I use Charter Pipeline for internet access.
I have times when I seriously "hate THEM."
I complain that the monthly cable bill is "way out of whack."
I tend to do nothing with any of the above.

This past week we had NO online cable. The televisions worked great. The computers? Nothing! Zero! Nadda! Zilch!

Okay… we did have an occasional "tease" of internet access. But, it would last for a few minutes (sometimes even a whole hour) and then... the modem would reset, and reset, and reset.

I was deciding whether it was time "to call Cable."

I had to do SOMETHING! The kids were itching around like animals trapped in a cage. The youngest couldn't get online for XBox and I was fearing his withdrawal symptoms. My daughter was getting twitches in her fingers from lack of typing out instant messages to her friends. I was unable to get my e-mail. And, the bride's solution, "Well, we could have a family night, maybe play Monopoly or Trivia Pursuit - or just sit and read a book." It was looking bleak from all angles.

Well, drastic times call for drastic measures. So? I made the call.

At first I got caught into the "press the buttons and do-it-yourself trap. Just follow along and answer: "Yes, or I Have a Problem."

" Yeh, yeh, yeh... " I just kept answering the damned electronic what-ever-you-call-it. I've been at this long enough to know what to answer even though I wasn't sitting at the computer. Frustrated, I decided to find a human. You remember those things - a person that talks to you, one of our species, a "telephone friend" that could help explain this dismal situation. Someone that could explain why that one light just kept blinking and all the other ones didn't do anything but laugh whenever I wasn't looking.

Anyway, I got one - a person, a human - yeh, really on the phone, from Cable.

"Good evening. Bob here. I'll need your phone number - area code first," came the voice on the line. It was good to hear Bob's voice. He sure as hell sounded human. And, he was polite. I gave him the required information and he assured me, "We won't give up until we figure this out." I felt relieved.

"Let me check the provisions on your modem first," Bob said. Even though I didn't know what Bob was talking about, I sat and thought happy thoughts while he assured me it might take a minute or two.

"Everything seems to be in order," was what I next heard from Bob. Somehow my happy thoughts were becoming cloudy, maybe even hostile.

"Uh, Bob," I inquired, "what would that mean to me? You know - in the real world."

"Well, James - to be honest - not a heck of a lot I suppose," he quickly replied.

"Uh, Bob…" but before I could say the next word we ordered me in front of the computer and within sight of the modem.

"Tell me about the lights, James," Bob said. I was starting to think I didn't like where this conversation was going.

"Okay, Bob - the first light is blinking. I believe that's the power light. Isn't it, Bob?" Was about all I could muster.

"That's right, James. And, those other lights? Are they doing anything?" he questioned.

"Uh, Bob, the other lights are doing nothing but laughing at me," I answered.

"I see," he said with a bit of a sigh.

"Have you turned the modem off and on again?" he asked.

So, here I am, one step from jumping off the bridge and ready to take Bob with me. I'm thinking to myself, "He promised he'd stay with me until we figure this out." I'm worried that I'm going to spend the rest of my adult life on the phone with Bob.

"Yes, Bob, I did try that," I reply.

We worked at it for about an hour. Modem diagnostics from my computer. Signal readings from his end. Re-initializing the modem. Disconnecting the modem, then the router, then…

The next day nothing was much better. We had a dose of internet from time to time, but never enough to satisfy the internet-junkies in the household. I was thinking about calling Bob again. But, I was scared.

"Honey, I'm going down to WalMart to buy a new modem," came out of my mouth like air out of balloon. It was a refreshing thought. I didn't need Cable to fix the Cable problem. I'll just buy a new modem and all will be well.

Back home from WalMart, I knew the inevitable. I had to call Bob again to provision the new modem. [Provisioning authorizes the use of the modem on the network.]

"It won't be too bad," I thought to myself. I dialed Cable.

Needless to say, I didn't get Bob. But, I got someone like Bob, and at this point I was pleased with myself in knowing what I wanted.

"I just bought a new modem and I need it provisioned," I said to the girl on the line.

"Fine," she said, " it will take a minute or so."

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Notes: I make some fun about it, but the folks at Cable really were patient and helpful all through the process. Above all else, they were professional and expressed a sincere desire to help find a solution. We had scheduled a service call - but cancelled it because everything seemed back in order.